This is the Official Woody Paige Web”Paige”; so, I went ahead and posed pertinent questions to the man himself. These questions were compiled from a poll taken from the millions, and I mean millions, of “Paige-A-Holics” worldwide. I truly believe the replies below will give you valued insight into Woody’s world.

Indeed, these are Woody’s responses. They are uncensored, unadulterated, undisputed, unconscious and underwear.

So, take note and act accordingly.

Your breakfast food of choice?

Moon Pies and RC Cola (with peanuts in the bottle).

Crest or Colgate?

I am from Tennessee. The toothbrush was invented in Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the Teethbrush. Colgate.

Rolling Stones or the Beatles?

Rolling Stones. I can’t get me no.

Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan?

Flair, by far. Woooooooooooooh!

What is cricket? Does it really exist?

Cricket is one of my favorite games, next to Australian Rules Football. I sat in a hotel room in London for three days and watched a cricket match between England and India and kept saying, “”What is this shit?” But eventually I got it. Baseball without the spitting and crotch-grabbing.

What’s Simers problem?

He was locked in a dark room for hours at a time when he was a small child – and later dropped on his head.

How do you handle the pressure of being the best?

Joe in “”Midnight Cowboy”

Is Canada a country or a suburb of the USA?

Canada is a breakfast food.

Do you watch the Simpsons?

Only every day, man.

How do you handle all the female attention?


Does your automobile have 20-inch rims (at least)?

I drive an Audi TT red touring convertible. I have never measured my rims or my IQ or my penis.

When will you declare your run for the Presidency?

As soon as they get better-looking interns in the White House.

What is your relationship to the hip-hop artist 50 cent?

He is my illegitimate child. I am 2bits.

Do you agree that Kellerman is about as entertaining as watching grass grow?

Kellerman is a sick young man whose life has been ruined by overindulgence in whiskey and drugs. I’d rather watch an oil leak.

Any comments to offer those who see you as a role model?

Get a life. Genius is never understood in its own lifetime. So I should die. I use my powers for good, not evil.

Now you have it, the blueprint to make your life worthwhile!

If you have truly digested the above, you’ll undoubtedly win the lottery. You’ll get a raise at work. If you’re balding, you’ll sprout hair. If you don’t have any now, you will get heartburn!