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January 28, 2020 By: Terry Frei

LIV ways (or so) to make it through a Super Bowl 54 party

My unofficial count is that I’ve covered XI Super Bowls.

I’ve also watched it on the road when traveling for other assignments and at home, but I’ve also joined many Super Bowl parties.

If you’re among the many watching it at a gathering this year, here are a few suggestions for watch party tips and talking points for Super Bowl LIV between the 49ers and Chiefs.

Note: I said “suggestions.” Beverages are up to you, as are designated drivers or Uber/Lyft.

These especially apply if you’re a guest, not the host. And if the gathering is a mix of those who: a) can rattle off Jimmy Garoppolo’s stats at Eastern Illinois and Patrick Mahomes’ batting averages … at Whitehouse High School; or, b) are unsure which one plays for the 49ers and which one plays for the Chiefs when they walk in the door.

(There really are people like that. And they end up sitting on the same couch as you.)

Start with the onion dip.

Enough said.

Stake out the happy medium between: a) completely ignoring; and, b) not missing a second of the marathon pre-game coverage.

The trick is to keep your eyes and ears open for truly interesting stories that humanize the players. They can be done and the network carrying the game usually does them well. They’re not just filler.

Try the barbecue beef or ribs.

If any guests ask the host if the sauce is from Gates BBQ, you’ll know they’re going to be for the Chiefs.

(Of course, the Tyrann Mathieu jersey already might have given that away.)

If any guests ignore the ribs and ask where the cioppino is, you’ll instantly know those are 49ers fans.

(Of course, the Richard Sherman jersey already might have given that away.)

Ask them if they agree that Scoma’s Lazy Man’s Cioppino is the gold standard.

Scout out the house for a secondary screen, perhaps in a den.

If the game gets bad, you can escape and check in on the “Miss Congeniality” and “Miss Congeniality 2” doubleheader on TBS.

OK, I’m kidding.

No football game could be as bad as “Miss Congeniality 2.”

Skip the hot dogs.

Those are for baseball. Bang on a garbage can to signal the host you’re passing on them.

Wonder out loud what it might be like on Super Bowl Sunday after more states legalize sports gambling. It’s inevitable in the wake of the 2018 Supreme Court decision. (Of course, many already have legalized it.)

That’s whether placing a Super Bowl wager will mean running down to a state-licensed betting outlet — everything from 7-Eleven to a casino’s sports book — or doing it online, as so many do now.

Watching the Super Bowl in a genuine casino sports book, regardless of how you’ve placed your wagers, is a blast … especially if you win.

In line with that, if someone around you uses the stopwatch function on their smart phone to time Demi Lovato’s rendition of the National Anthem, you probably don’t need to ask if he or she had the “under” or “over.”

You can tell by the reaction after “…brave.”

Challenge one of those 49ers fans among you to name all the teams that cut Raheem Mostert.

The list is longer than you’d think.

Have the tasty potato salad – but only before it’s been sitting out for two hours or longer.

Trust me on this one.

Spend the first in-game commercial break debating what other actors will be in the remake of “The Natural,” since it’s obvious that Andy Reid has the part of New York Knights manager Pop Fisher – played by Wilford Brimley in the 1984 original — all locked up.

Also, keep your eyes out for the video of Reid participating in a Punt, Pass, and Kick competition in the early 1970’s.

Before kickoff, say it’s not an insult to argue Garoppolo, who attempted only 8 passes in the NFC title game, can shoot to be a game manager in this, too — especially since that would mean the 49ers have contained Mahomes and the Chiefs’ offense.

Here’s the case in point: Joe Namath guaranteed a Jets win and followed through on it against the Colts in the landmark Super Bowl III. He was 17-for-28 for 206 yards, with zero touchdowns.

The times and standards were different, he certainly was efficient and those are decent numbers.

Yet the way most present the lore, you’d think the Jets won 38-17.

It was 16-7. Joe Namath, Game Manager.

Insist on having the sound up during the game. (It’s amazing how many parties I’ve been to where you have no idea what’s being said on the air.)

Pay attention to Fox analyst Troy Aikman. As was the case with CBS’ Tony Romo a year ago, a former Cowboys quarterback will be astute in reacting, in part because of the extensive briefings.

A kicker to that: Give Fox’s Erin Andrews and Chris Myers credit if they actually report new information from the sidelines. They will avoid making us wonder, as happens on so many other football broadcasts, why the broadcast switches to a sideline, so the sideline reporters can tell us things they could have told us from their couches … on Tuesday.

Andrews and Myers will report from the sidelines, as the best sideline reporters do.

Try the chili. With cheese and onions.

A Super Bowl party staple.

Point out that when asked about “the record I dream of breaking” for the 2001 Texas football media guide, a Longhorns walk-on junior backup wide receiver wrote: “Most Super Bowl victories by an NFL head coach.”

Kyle Shanahan will be going after No. 1 Sunday.

Eat four Buffalo chicken wings in a row, in honor of the Bills.

Toss them individually at the garbage can.

Pick up the one that goes wide right.

Get in a quarter-by-quarter squares pool, regardless of if you have other action.

Don’t despair if you draw 5 and 5.

Weird things have been known to happen in Super Bowls.

Let everyone know you will insist on silence the instant the Budweiser commercial starts.

This one.

The Clydesdales aren’t in it. But that’s OK.

Make fun of the Lombardi Trophy. Even Vince would admit it’s no Stanley Cup.

Don’t tell a diehard hockey fan there’s a trophy that compares to the Stanley Cup, though — unless you are ready to drop the gloves.

Finish with the vanilla ice cream with wine sauce.

Classically classy.

Ask the hosts if they have any Alka-Seltzer or Pepto-Bismol.

You’ll need it.

As you’re leaving, announce: “Pitchers and catchers report in nine days.”

It’s now (un)officially baseball season.

About Terry: Terry Frei is the author of seven books. His novels are Olympic Affair and The Witch’s Season, and among his five non-fiction works are Horns, Hogs, and Nixon Coming; Third Down and a War to Go; and ’77: Denver, the Broncos, and a Coming of Age. Information is available on his web site, terryfrei.com. His woodypaige.com archive is here.