Where have you gone, Nolan Arenado? Our Cowtown turns its woeful eyes to you.
In the Fleece of the Millennium the Rockheads gave the Great and Powerful Arenado and $50 million to the Cardinals for The Bums of Summer.
Dick and The Lamebrain must be inducted immediately into the Baseball Hall of Shame.
The worst deal in baseball history was finalized 101 years ago in January when the Red Sox delivered Babe Ruth to the Yankees for $100,000 in four payments and a $300,000 loan.
This absolutely is the second-worst trade of all time.
Nado for nada. The Rockies can’t even get another Nolan — Nolan Gorman, the Cardinals’ No. 2 prospect and a third baseman.
The Red Sox suffered the Curse of the Bambino for 84 years. The Rockies likely will endure the Jinx of Nolan longer.
While St. Louis laughs, Colorado cries.
The Rockies’ most popular and the best offensive-defensive player in franchise history — a future Hall of Famer — is as gone as his 482-foot home run Sept. 10, 2019.
Thanks to Richard “Slaughterhouse’’ Monfort and Jeff “Poison Ivy Leaguer’’ Bridich, the Rox are the National Pastime’s official debased ball, bush-league team.
At Christmas I wrote that Monfort’s philosophy was “Let them eat fruitcake.’’ Because of the Arenado exit and in the tradition of Marie Antoinette, the Rockies’ slogan this season will be: “Let the fans eat dirt.’’
Following a 71-91 record in 2019, Monfort proclaimed publicly a year ago the Rockies would win 94 games. Instead, at the end of a depressed season, the Rockies won only 26 and had the most defective record down the stretch.
Recently, before the inexplicable robbery, a baseball website geek predicted the Rockies would finish with 64 victories in 2021. Instead, the Rox could threaten the 2003 Tigers’ record loss total in a 162-game schedule — 119.
A few seasons ago at the ballpark a flock of birds landed on the netting posts behind home plate and, they chirped: “Cheap, cheap, cheap.’’ Monfort sat in his box seat nearby. Bridich, as usual, hid.
During this offseason the Rockies’ dufus duo refused to hold an annual press conference. The Rockies’ supposed new uniforms should feature yellow.
On the team’s website, a form for season tickets can be filled out, and “a Rockies representative will contact you.’’
Crickets.
Already, many in the community are requesting a boycott of Rockies games. Despite what Monfort promotes in his letter to (former) season-ticket holders, fans won’t be allowed at Coors Field for weeks, if not months, and most Coloradans won’t support this miserable franchise.
“We are terrible on the field, but we have a party deck and a new office-condo-hotel complex.’’
Monfort acts as if the Rockies were the only organization to suffer financially in the past pandemic year. It didn’t stop him from completing a real estate project that costs hundreds of millions and includes a penthouse for him.
The Rox wouldn’t be struggling if Monfort could negotiate lucrative local TV and radio contracts. He is disappointed in revenue returns, although the club was sixth overall in 2019 attendance at 2.999 million. Yet, they have one of baseball’s lowest broadcasting agreements. The other four teams in the National League West possess billion-dollar deals. No wonder the Padres, the Diamondbacks and the Giants can push the Dodgers (estimated Los Angeles TV money more than $200 million a year), while the Rockies reportedly receive barely $40 million after being stuck in the $20 million range with their lackey stations.
Bridich is baseball’s bungling, preposterous, laughable GM. He has traded away, or let get away as free agents, All-Stars, Gold Glove winners and Silver Sluggers. Yet, he has wasted multiple of millions each season on worthless pitchers and washed-up dolts who can’t play first base, left field or left out. Bad field, bad hit.
Meanwhile, the Rockies sunk under Bridich to one of the three most inferior minor-league systems. The Ivy Leaguer, not a Major Leaguer, also single-handedly drove away Troy Tulowitzki, Carlos Gonzalez, David Dahl, DJ LeMahieu and, finally, Arenado.
Trevor Story will be next soon.
But Monfort won’t fire Bridich, and wouldn’t know who to hire, anyway.
What a blow. Say it ain’t so, Nado.
Sadly, it is.
The Rockies are the Ungrateful Dread.
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