Woody Paige: The Rockies have become the joke of MLB

Who’s on first for the Rox?

Whatshisname is on second.

Where is the shortstop?

Why is that piccolo player a pitcher?

When’s the catcher? No, Wynns is the catcher, and Colorado never Wins with Wynns.

What’s more, the Rockies have become an Abbott & Costello comedy routine.

The Nuggets have The Joker.

The Rox have The Joke as owner.

Dick Monfort boldly predicted the Rockies would win 96 games in 2014. Instead, they lost 96 games.

In 2020, the owner/chairman/chief executive officer/principal bottle washer proudly prophesied that the Rockies would win 94 games. As a result of the pandemic, the Rox played only 60 games and won just 26. Their .670 losing percentage would have finished a full season with 92 defeats.

Before this season, the owner blabbered at a breakfast buffet that the Rockies would play .500 ball.

But, rather, the Rox are playing .377 ball, following their latest defeat Wednesday afternoon to the Reds 5-3, and are on pace only four games away from the season’s midway juncture to lose a franchise-record 101 games.

The Rockies realistically are eliminated again before July.

For yet another season, the Rox will have no parade of sluggers, just a crawl of slugs.

While the owner sits lonely in his luxurious penthouse of the Monfort Monument he was responsible for building across the street from Coors Field, he will have to rethink his projection of mediocrity. And the Rockies’ attendance has sunk from seventh last year to 17th in MLB.

The saddest thing everyone in Colorado can say is: “We feel sorry for the Rockies and their sorry owner.’’

The Rockies lost eight consecutive games on the trip that ended Wednesday, have won only five of their past 23, have done a deep dive to a 29-48 record (16-19 at home, 13-29 on the road) and are the worst team in the National League’s West Division (16½ games out of first before the end of June) and the entire NL, and possess a minus-103 run differential, a .255 batting average and a 5.47 earned-run average.

Since May 20, Colorado starting pitchers have the same number of victories in Rockies games — 1 — as Jon Gray, who Monfort refused to sign or trade, but has a 6-2 record this season with the Rangers.

Under the man affectionately known as Dick. who took control from his brother Charlie in 2011, the Rockies have lost between 87 and 98 games during nine seasons and reached the playoffs in only two. An alien from another planet who never had seen a baseball game wouldn’t lose 1,048 games in 12½ seasons.

The Rockies could be more miserable. They could be the ’23 Oakland A’s. But, then, the A’s will have won four World Series in Oakland before moving to Las Vegas. Even the miserable Marlins, who have been in the majors with the Rockies from 1993 to 2023, won two World Championships.

With the Nuggets finally winning the NBA title, only the Rockies remain. If the Monforts & Sons & Daughters continue to own the baseball franchise, a championship could require 147 seasons.

The constant question is, why doesn’t Stan Kroenke buy the Rockies, too? E. Stanley Kroenke was born in Columbia, Mo., in 1947, and named after two Cardinals baseball players, Enos Slaughter and Stan Musial. He listened to St. Louis games as a kid.

Kroenke made an offer to purchase the Rockies years ago to add to the world’s most vast sports empire, but was turned down.

The franchise is valued by Forbes in 2023 at $1.48 billion. Surely, Walmart heirs could assume ownership of the Rockies, as they did last year with the Broncos. If the Rox were on the market, a slew of suitors would bid.

But Dick Monfort prefers the poor, pitiful philosophy of “Woe R Us’’ and pathetic performances.

If the owner talks to his lackey media, he will cite the excuses of injuries to pitchers and position players, especially his fanboy favorite, who is the highest paid and the lowest producer. But the Rockies would not be a .500 team with them all. The Rockies annually are “a season or three away’’ from being contenders, not pretenders. Ha.

The current roster is “Who-What-When-Where-Why’’ and “How.’’

The Cincinnati starter Wednesday was Abbott. The hard-place Rox pitched like Costello.